"I try to see the good in life, but good things in life are hard to find" – Chris Daughtry

I'm sitting here, wondering what the hell I'm doing.

The same question keeps running through my head. Why did I leave home? Why did I leave everyone who loves me, for a city that doesn't care if I died? For my career? but is my career worth my life?

Nobody gives a rat's ass about me here. Nobody. Not one person. Only me. I guess that's what you call independence. We all need somebody to show us at least a little bit of love, though. I don't know anyone. I don't know anything. I don't know my way around. I don't have a phone. I don't have anything, but me.

As I sit here, I keep staring at the balcony.. I keep getting this voice in my head that tells me to go out there and jump. It keeps saying that I'll be free from the mental torment if I just do it. "Just jump", it keeps saying.

It won't stop. Make it stop.

"Nobody loves me, sometimes I wish the good Lord would come down and hug me.." – Ja Rule

Even God won't hug me, cuz I think I'm the devil.

When we're born, we're so free, so innocent, so carefree, so pure, so angelic.

Then we grow up. Our brains develop and we turn into monsters. Not actual monsters that are purely evil and devil worshipping.. but some part of us becomes evil, our hearts swell up with pain and happiness, we get caught up in the moment of things without thinking of what's going to happen next. Memories can't be erased, people can't be forgotten. How does all this happen? The human mind is so complex, but so simple at the same time.

How come when we start reaching adolesence, we become so, whats the word, selfish. What happened to the times when anything would make us laugh, when we got dirty and didn't care, we played, we laughed, we had fun, when nobody was "against" us, when evil didn't exist, when our parents were our friends, our teachers, our guides. The times when we weren't rushing with time. The times when we knew what was important in our lives, when money didn't control the world. When we had imaginations and non-material things made us happy. Now, for women it's all about finding a man with the biggest bank account and for men it's finding the woman who wakes up looking like a barbie, perfect. We have to have to most expensive shoes, clothes, purses, cars, houses, jewellery, the biggest tv's etc etc. What happened to realism.

Sometimes I try and search for the most innocent things, but they end up being so complicated. All I want is love; someone to love me as I love them. That's it. That's what we all want. Maybe I don't even know what love is, to me its just another word for happiness. But here's where it gets complicated: we start thinking about things. We start using our mind and try to graph out the most logical way to things. Why do we do that? What about intuition? maybe that's a naive way of thinking, but sometimes, in most times, it works. Sometimes you have to accept the way things are and not try to alter them in anyway. You'll lose what you have and end up regretting it. Our minds change so often that we don't know what we want. How I see it is, if someone can make me feel as if I'm a kid again; getting me laughing at anything, enjoying life, playing, and having fun, then that person is right for me. THAT'S my intuition. Is that naive? Is it naive for me think that maybe, somehow, God has given us some sort of sense that tells us what's right and what's wrong when it comes to emotional matters? Or are we all living in a world of illusions. Where we see things as one way, but really they're not like that. Is that bias?

I want my life to be simple, that's what I'm trying to work towards. But the journey towards this "simple" life is so full of lies, deceit, lonliness, frustration, hurt and pain. How do I get rid of all that, besides killing myself? As for now, ignorance is bliss for me. I can't make sense of things. Sometimes I feel like I am the devil itself for bringing so much pain to people I care about. If I can do all that, sometimes I question myself. If I really cared about them, why am I hurting them? Do I really care? Does anyone really care? Sometimes I just want to die. But then I think, if I die, I'm still hurting them, I just won't be around to see it. So either way, I'm horrible. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitly not suicidal, we all have thoughts like that sometimes. It's only natural. We see death as the easy way out, but really, it's not. Suicide is selfish.

Why do we wake up in the morning? We go to work/school, come home, handle all our "business" (paying bills, etc etc.) What happened to taking a minute to see what's real. Life is too short to be chasing money. Yeah, some of us live to be 100 years old, big whoop. Life is still short. There's so much to do, so much to see, so many people to meet. We fight so much when our end goal is the same, money and happiness. Do both go hand in hand? Can you have both? Or do you have to choose one or the other? What would you choose? Box A is full of unlimited amounts of money, but no happiness. Box B is full of happiness but no money. Think for a minute and choose which box you would pick. But then how do you live in this world, without money? This stupid world runs on money.

Why do we worship idiots like Paris Hilton. The girl is a walking STD!!! Young girls are following stupid bitches like Britney Spears, and young boys are trying to be like 50 cent. WHY!? Because they have money and are trying to portray a perfect life? NO! They don't live the perfect life. They're life is full of scandal. Full of deceit. Full of lies. Full of drugs. Full of BULLSHIT! They haven't left an imprint on the world. They're at the top temporarily, and that's because WE'VE put them there. We're trying so hard to be like them, when really, they're just like us. Why don't we follow people like MOTHER TERESA (r.i.p), people like GANDHI (r.i.p)? because they're not hot? they don't have bitches and hoes and top dolla pimped out rides? Pfft. Who cares.

Let me ask you a question. What's the most powerful force in life? (besides god) This force can make you do things you've never imagined. This force.. is love. What's the best feeling in the world? helping someone else. Making them happy. Don't think about your own happiness. If only we helped ONE person.. just ONE person, and that person helped another person, things would be so different. But we're too selfish. All we care about is ME ME ME ME ME. That's it. That's how it's always going to be.  

I'm so confused. I don't even know myself of what's real.

Sometimes, I just want to strip down to my skin, no clothes, just how I was born. Somehow, I want to grow some wings. I want to fly away. I want to be free. Free from all these material things. Free from evil. Free from pain. Free from everything.

Maybe I need a hug.

I'm chasing heaven, because we live in hell.

I am nothing but a question that remains to be answered.

 

Until next time…

 

-FD

My story began on Thursday afternoon, the day I was leaving for New York. The first goodbyes were really hard, but I had to do it. I said goodbye to Nanima, Tas and Zee, and started the journey with my mom and my dad. The journey was long and boring, but we did it. We got here, and I finally got to spend some time with my mom and my dad together. Occurances like this are really rare, since everyone is so busy with their own lives. Having my parents around made the trip easier, the depression of seperation had not really kicked in. Well anyways, we spent the whole weekend exploring and hanging out at home (mom and dad's favorite passtime is sleeping). The famous line of "Don't worry I'm just lying down, I'm not sleeping" turned into loud snores, and it was only 8pm. I guess that happens with old folks.

Time flew by. The moment I had been dreading had finally come. It was Monday morning, time for my parents to go back to Newmarket. An ocean of tears later, they were on their way, and there I was, alone.

I came upstairs to my apartment and I just stood at the door. I remembered my dad lying on this ugly blue couch/chair/beanbag/piece of crap that my friend had left in the living room. I remembered my mom posing on the balcony. I went into my room and I thought of both my mom and my dad snoring, having unconscious competitions as to who can go louder. So I sat there in the room for a bit, with my mind going out of control. All these thoughts rushing to my head, "Did I make the right decision", "Man I'm so stupid, why did I leave home", "I just abandoned everyone who loves me, for a city full of people who don't give two didly shits about me", "What the hell am I doing", "No, this is painful now, but it's better for the long run" and so on. I think I was having some sort of mental epilepsy, kinda like a mental civil war.

Consumed in my misery, it hit me. What is time?

I had all this free time on my hands, and what did I do with it? I could have spent precious moments with my family and people I care about, but where did all the time go? What the hell did I do with it? What did I get out of it? Nothing. Nothing at all. I did nothing productive. And now here I am, the same little shit who complained about having too much time on her hands, sitting, alone, wishing that I took that time and put it towards people I care about. You can't turn back time though.

We take things forgranted. Especially family and those we care about. I know love is unconditional when it comes to them, but we expect way too much. We expect that they're going to be around forever. That's not the case. You have to cherish the moments you get with them, be grateful for them. In reality, family is all you've got. Family is the reason you're here. Family is the reason you've gotten ahead in life. Family. Only family. That's why family is the most important thing, that's why when it comes time to creating your own family, you gotta be with somebody who's gonna make not only you, but your family happy too. A relationship isn't just bf/gf, husband/wife. It's family.

You never really understand what you have until its gone. And now it's gone from me for a little while and I'm beginning to realize how stupid I really am. I spent my time getting angry with them, having stupid fights. I spent my time wishing "dammit, I'd be better off alone".. and now that I'm alone, I wish I was at home. You should be careful what you wish for.

I keep hearing Nanima calling me "Parah". I keep hearing Tas yelling "ALERRRTTT" telling me to fricken clean all the time. My dads farting. My mom yelling at everyone in her own gangster way. Zeeshan, just being Zeeshan the monkey. I miss all that, It's only been a week. I guess as TIME passes, it'll slowly heal everything.

I feel like complete BLAH. I spend my days trying to be oblivious to what's real. I become ignorant when it comes to thinking about things. I just block everything out. "There's an icebox where my heart used to be".  

This icebox only melts when my friend is around. My friend shines a little light on what's left of me. Somehow, it's easier when they're around.

I guess life does go on though, because if it didn't, how are so many people living away from their families? You can't live life in misery, you gotta do what you gotta do and just hope that in the end, it all works out. That's all we have, hope and faith.

Maybe it'll be a bit easier when I start school.

"You either stand, or you fall"…

 I'm trying to stand.

Until next time…

-FD

p.s. Happy Valentine's Day